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Anti-resolutions

Imagine making a resolution to be a worse person - for some the bad deeds will come naturally

Violeta Niebla

Malaga

Friday, 5 January 2024, 17:36

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I'm one of the few people who still talk to their friends on the telephone. While everyone else listens to voice notes at 2x speed, I regularly make calls while out walking Rómulo; the other day in a conversation with my friend Beatriz just before New Year's Eve, she asked me about my new year's resolutions.

She caught me a little off guard or distracted and I said that all I could think of were terrible clichés and, I'm embarrassed to say out loud that, as she is a close friend, I said something about trying to be a better person. We laughed and I said, imagine someone making a resolution to be a worse person!

Actually I can imagine it, to the extent of writing a column on it. I can imagine someone starting 2024 by making a list of bad deeds because for so many bad things to happen every year there must be someone setting out to be the baddie.

Someone must propose never to go to the gym again. Not to lose weight. Not to get fit. To eat much more meat. To smoke more. To make love less. To throw as many firecrackers as possible, to continue allowing fireworks at my local council. Because yes, it's my turn to be the baddie. Not to give up a seat to anyone, not to help out a single NGO and if someone gives you too much change, not give it back. Not to leave tips. Not to give blood. Not to go to demonstrations. Not to vote. To stand people up without a word of explanation. Recycle nothing. Never say anything in a WhatsApp group but read all the messages. Pollute in as many ways as possible, flush wet wipes down the toilet. Tell people you can't remember them even when you can.

I suppose that some won't even have to resolve to do a lot of things on this list - they'll just come naturally. Because, of course, no one is going to make a resolution to flush wet wipes down the toilet, or pollute, or order extra bacon on their double oxtail burger.

Being a worse person is really easy. After all the fun it is to leave hater comments on posts, criticise someone else's work, open a false account and troll people non-stop all over the internet.

These people, comfy on their sofas, with the radiator on, their pop corn and hot chocolate, criticising left, right and centre, shouting at the television. Or in their cars, with the heating on full blast, their cigarette lit, insults spilling from their mouths as they overtake a lorry on the inside lane which is in turn overtaking another lorry.

Because to be the baddies you don't have to take over the local council, or hold the reins of a party or government; we can all be bad from the comfort of our own homes. Be it moving our fingers or doing absolutely nothing at all.

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