Small town boy

First, some context. The English village in question is in the north of the country and the Spanish village is in the south (things change radically with longitude).

For the purposes of this article, Spanish Southern Village will henceforth be referred to as SSV and Northern English Village as NEV.

Right, let's start with everyday greetings:

SSV - a hearty 'Good morning/afternoon/evening' is always in order when dealing with adults. If it's a child, a beaming smile and a light ruffling of the hair are ample.

NEV - don't say 'Good morning/afternoon/evening' to passing adults or they'll think you're an undercover police officer. Do say 'Yareet?' ('Are you all right?') 'Hiya mate/love/pal' or any permutation thereof. Don't ruffle children's hair or you'll soon wish you were an undercover police officer.

Next, the village shop:

SSV - there will be lots of people hanging around in there, not necessarily buying anything but simply catching up on local gossip (the subject of which will be you as soon as you leave). Make your 'Good morning!' a statement of intent, smile abundantly, grab what you need with military efficiency and then wait patiently for the shopkeeper to do her maths the old-fashioned (and best) way with a pencil on paper used for wrapping salchichón. The neighbours will all look on in tense silence, waiting for the grand total so that they can judge your socio-economic status.

NEV - it's a Co-Op or a Londis or something and the staff stand behind a perspex screen. Get in and out as quickly as possible, Don't forget to say 'Yareet?' at timely intervals (but not to the gang of recalcitrant youths lurking outside).

The pub:

SSV - try to ignore the radical drop in conversation decibels as you walk in, offer a general greeting and order something modest from the bar (a beer rather than a cosmopolitan cocktail). If you order a whisky, expect to see the village miracle of half a litre fitting into a smallish 'tubo' glass. Invite someone to a drink as a goodwill gesture. Be aware that your financial status is now known by all concerned owing to your shop visit fifteen minutes earlier.

NEV - the drop in decibels is more difficult to discern given that the patrons' mutterings were barely audible in the first place, but it's there. Don't feel intimidated by the fact everyone is looking at you while pretending not to, except for the darts team who aren't pretending not to. Order a pint and some pork scratchings and feel the tension palpably subside as the locals nod at each other almost imperceptibly - 'He's areet...for now'.

Next week, I might offer opinions nobody asked for on more serious issues. Lord knows, it's the fashion.