Left on the shelf

This was clearly a phenomenon that needed further investigation from a top quality journalist on the ground. There wasn't one available, so I volunteered. Also, there wasn't a Mercadona available (it's miles away) plus I couldn't make it at the appointed hour but apart from that, everything was set for an accurate, in-depth report. I planned to be in my local Aldi at about midday the following day, faithfully representing a generation that believes 'TikTok' to be a brand of pacemaker.

And so it was that I strode purposefully through the supermarket door at the appointed hour, grabbing my trolley forcefully in the manner of a man on a mission.

Crumbs! No sooner had I hotfooted it to the fruit and vegetable section (you need an upside-down pineapple in your cart to signal your availability, apparently), than I spied an attractive young woman blatantly making eyes at me. Blimey, they don't waste time round these parts - I hadn't even positioned my pineapple yet. Oh, hang on, she was just squinting at the price of the aubergines. I trust the subsequent look of abject horror that traversed her delicate features was also aubergine-related because, frankly, my self-esteem couldn't withstand the alternative.

Things didn't get much better any time soon. I couldn't find any pineapples anywhere. Maybe there'd been a dawn raid by amorous singletons currently engaged in all manner of passionate clinches in the car park. Or maybe Aldi didn't sell pineapples. I was tempted to ask the pretty assistant but thought she might believe it to be some kind of coded inappropriate advance and would call one of those security blokes who all carry truncheons.

So, after deciding that tinned pineapples probably wouldn't cut the mustard, I opted to change tack in favour of some other foodstuffs that are also said to convey certain messages in these circumstances. Should I plump for lentils (looking for long-term relationship) or salad/pre-cooked pizza (short-term fun and frivolity)? I also remembered reading that there was some victual or other that signified 'looking for marriage' but that one had slipped my mind. Clever things, minds.

By now, my trolley was still as empty as my diary and it was time to cut my losses, grab a bit of chicken and return whence I came, the vanquished paramour.

I headed for the check-out and plonked my dinner on the conveyor, noticing that the woman in front of me was the same one so attractively bound up in earlier aubergine activity. What's more she had a pineapple among her many purchases.

Alas, it was the right way up.