Year in, year out

Hang on to your hats, then, as 2026 bears down upon us like a runaway juggernaut. Here are a few predictions.

In the world of technology, middle-aged people with skateboards, colourful water bottles and questionable beards will continue to prostrate themselves at the altar of artificial intelligence in a race to see who can shave a nano-second off stuff only possible in the first place because of the infinite ingenuity of man. Plumbers and carpenters will become godlike figures borne aloft through the streets of major towns and cities throughout the world, if anyone can find one.

Locally, in Malaga, the debate will continue as to whether work should begin on building the second tower of the city's cathedral. The principal argument against it being that La Manquita (the one-armed lady) possesses a certain quirky charm just as it is. Those in favour, on the other hand, point to the possibility of converting the new structure into a rather fetching set of bijou tourist apartments.

Summer will bring us the football world cup taking place across the USA, Canada and Mexico. Fans lucky enough to be able to remortgage their house or sell a kidney, will get the chance to buy a ticket to watch their team slug it out against the likes of Curaçao and New Caledonia in the early stages. Entry to the final itself will be restricted to tech billionaires and oligarchs plus a working-class bloke from Kilmarnock who won an internationally televised Squid Game-style reality TV show earlier in the year sponsored by tech billionaires and oligarchs.

Elsewhere, in a radical change to tradition, instead of publishing a set of new words reflecting the modern age, the Cambridge dictionary will, in fact, be retracting one in 2026. It's no secret that this will be the word 'nuance' which is deemed to have become entirely redundant these days as we strain to reduce the world to a visceral panorama of black and white where there only exist goodies ('us') and baddies ('them').

In fashion, lots of people will be wearing an Oura ring which, it seems, is designed to keep tabs on your behaviour and lifestyle 24 hours a day - a bit like an ankle tag for your finger, then. Fans say it will enable the wearer to live a much longer life while detractors point to the fact that it will just seem much longer as a result of all the constant nagging.

In the world of entertainment, having exhausted every superhero prequel and sequel from all available angles, filmmakers will turn to Homer's the Odyssey for inspiration (this is actually happening) thus going so far back in history that producers in 2027 will be left with only the Big Bang itself as a storyline option. Rumours that there's somebody somewhere in possession of a new and original idea are soon quashed when it actually turns out to be the plot from a 1969 episode of the Banana Splits where Drooper locks Bingo in a paint cupboard.

Wishing everybody a happy and healthy new year.

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