Hot off the press

There's the election this year, of course, but that's an exception; it's only happening in July because the Prime Minister, Pedro Sánchez, was so horrified at the battering his party took in the recent local elections that he decided to bring the whole shebang forward six months rather than sticking with the death-by-a-thousand-cuts alternative.

This dearth of anything of note happening during the summer, means that the day's news bulletins must be filled with much-ado-about-nothing stories, usually concerning the weather.

'Let's go over to Sevilla now, where it's really, really hot and where our profusely perspiring reporter is stopping random strangers to get their in-depth views.'

'Thanks Pepa. Yes, as you quite rightly point out it's boiling here in Sevilla. Let's see what this chubby bloke with an ice-cream thinks. Hello, sir, what do you make of this weather?'

'It's very – slurp! - hot – slurp! Very hot – slurp! - indeed!'

'Thank you, sir. As you can see, then, Jorge, the people here think it's very, very hot indeed. Back to you in the studio.'

'Thanks, Pepa. Now we turn to our invited expert for some expert advice. Good afternoon, doctor. What should people do when it's very, very hot?'

'Well, in my expert opinion, everyone should hydrate with uncommon frequency and seek constant refuge in the welcoming embrace of any nearby penumbra.'

'You mean drink a lot of water and stay in the shade?'

'Er, ok yeah,if you like.'

'Anything else?'

'No.'

'Marvellous. Thank you for your excellent expert advice, doctor. By the way, you can take that white coat and stethoscope off now – we get the picture. Meanwhile, we're heading out to Cordoba for some live footage of a load of children playing in a fountain and a chubby bloke with an ice cream. Hang on, we just did the chubby bloke thing didn't we? Who the hell wrote this autocue? Doesn't matter - we're out of time, anyway. Join us again tomorrow when a top chef will show us how to make some gazpacho, because that's cold and a university professor will warn us of the hazards of tucking into a steaming pan of scouse because, well, that's hot, you see. Meanwhile we'll leave with a summary of the day's headlines - it's very, very hot.'