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Peter Edgerton / www.peteredgerton.com
Malaga
Friday, 26 July 2024, 13:45
It's high-season holiday time again and everyone you know is currently waddling off to the airport clutching a bucket and spade, hoping to ... get through security in a record time of less than fourteen hours. Travelling can be stressful, so I thought I'd offer some handy hints in order to facilitate the process.
First, pack the bare minimum. Just because you've got some expensive shoes, doesn't mean you have to take them to the Algarve. The comfy ones you're wearing as you leave the house will do for almost any occasion. However, you might like to take some humongous flared trousers to cover them up in the unlikely event you get invited to the poshest restaurant in town by Bob and Sue who've just sold their carpet warehouse business and are keen to share their good fortune. When you're packing, roll each item of clothing up like a kebab - it saves space and makes an interesting conversation piece when strangers ask you why your shirt's got more wrinkles than Samuel Beckett's face in his twilight years. Never trust anyone who irons clothes on holiday.
Next, memorise the mnemonic 'POCKET', so that you remember all of the essentials: passport, money, credit cards, extra socks, keys. (OK, 'money' begins with 'm', not 'o' and extra socks aren't exactly essential but it PMCKT isn't quite as catchy, is it?). Anything else you forget you can buy when you get there.
Thirdly, get to the airport in plenty of time. There's nothing more stressful than standing in the queue for security, counting the number of passengers ahead of you and multiplying that figure by the length of time it took the last bloke to take his belt and shoes off, only to activate the bleeper with his dental implant. Oh, and you must take a sandwich if you wish to avoid spending eighty-five per cent of your holiday budget on a cheese and ham roll at the airport. So make that POCKETS, then.
Once you're on the plane, as a matter of courtesy, it's your job to make yourself as invisible as possible. Under no circumstances get involved with petty disputes with anyone, especially not over that old chestnut 'elbow-rest space invaders'. Let it go - you're on holiday. There is one exception here - you are allowed to lock any child into the overhead compartment if he smacks the back of your seat more than once. You may also feel free to chuck the parents in with him for good measure.
Finally, arrival. It's compulsory - whatever the time of day or night - to dump your unpacked bags in your room and head off to the nearest pub for a steadying pint or two. If you're on holiday for the first time with a new partner and they suggest any other option, you must finish the relationship as soon as you get home. If they suggest ironing clothes as an option, you must end it right there and then.
Well, I hope that helps. Happy holidays.
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