Summertime news

From June to August it's impossible to perform any task between 2pm and 5pm which doesn't involve drowning in a puddle of your own perspiration

Peter Edgerton
PETER EDGERTON

As Glenn Frey put it in his somewhat overwrought 1984 ditty, The Heat Is On, the heat is, indeed, on, bringing with it the annual paradox of everyone and his dog telling you how much they're looking forward to summer arriving and then doing nothing but moan about the temperature when it actually does.

My own approach is the complete reverse, telling every man and his dog how much I'm not looking forward to the summer arriving and then not moaning about it when it does because, well, you know, summer in Andalucía has been notoriously roasting for centuries and what on earth did we expect to be different this time?

Anyway, in spite of my antipathy to all things aestival, in a magnanimous gesture of good will, I thought I'd offer a positive spin on the current high temperatures. What advantages does the heat bring, then?

First off, you're bound to lose weight in the summer because any desire to consume even the merest morsel is eliminated as soon as the sun dons his old titfer. This may mean you forget to eat anything at all for days on end until, eventually, you pass the hall mirror and wonder why Halloween has arrived even earlier this year or, alternatively, you faint.

Next, the siesta. This, as we all know, is one of the best inventions in the history of humanity but, during nine months of the year, your enjoyment may be tinged with a smidgeon of guilt as you wonder if you could be using your time more productively (you couldn't, by the way).

From June to August, however, it's impossible to perform any task between 2pm and 5pm which doesn't involve drowning in a puddle of your own perspiration. Consequently, you can catch a few zeds with a crystal clear conscience.

Another advantage of fever pitch temperatures is that beer tastes even better than it normally does, especially if it's served in one of those pint glasses that's been kept in the freezer. (Diehard real ale fans may address any complaints about the opinions expressed in this paragraph to the SUR head office where it will be filed with similar letters about articles in which I claimed that CDs sound better than vinyl and that jazz music has too many notes in it).

So, the high summer heat has its plus points though truth to tell, it'll be lovely when it's over. I might even write a song about it to celebrate called The Heat Is Gone.