Phoney baloney

Oh, you know, there are minor differences like a faster processor so you can scroll through videos of cats falling over on social media a nano-second more quickly than you could before, thus enabling you to save enough time over a year to spend three seconds longer looking at what somebody you met briefly on holiday ten years ago had for breakfast this morning. There's also a new charger or something and extra pixels for taking clearer photos of the backs of bald blokes' heads at concerts but, let's be honest, nobody cares about any of this stuff unless they live in their mother's basement wearing a Megadeth T-shirt and surrounded by half-eaten pizzas and empty cans of Monster energy drink.

It's about time the tech companies stopped taking us for fools and came clean - there's nothing new they can do with a phone. Apple even tried to offer the fact that the casing to their latest gizmo is made from the same material used on a couple of spacecraft, which knowledge should put your mind at rest next time you're running for the bus at the speed of a rocket re-entering the earth's atmosphere.

If all of these patently vacuous tweaks weren't sufficiently absurd to sate your soul, you could always go for the Pro version of the new iPhone which, presumably, has an even faster processor and a casing made from galvanised moondust. Oh, hang on, there's also a Pro Max model which, one can only assume, enables you to watch the very same cats falling over at such a high rate of knots that your eyes wobble furiously until they pop out of their sockets. Rumour has it that the casing of this one is made from slivers of Jupiter's red spot. Whether you can make phone calls on it isn't clearly specified.

Anyway, let's face it, if you're still using any type of phone these days, you're already a dinosaur. Get with the times, you fool, and splash out on a brand new Apple watch. Its stand-out feature and main selling point is the fact that you can snap your fingers twice at it in order to answer calls and to activate the alarm. Can we assume, then, that the Apple watch Ultra, at nearly twice the price, performs exactly the same functions but requires just the one finger snap?

That should save us some time.