My funny Valentine

A whisper to the wise, gentlemen - Monday 14 February is Saint Valentine's day. This means you'll need to be very romantic for 24 hours which, in turn, means you'll need a little help. To this end, I've prepared a few tips you might want to bear in mind as the day approaches. Said tips may or may not be based on bitter experience.

First of all, there are no football matches of any great import on the day in question - I've checked - so you've dodged a bullet there. It's true that Ponferradina are playing Real Sociedad B in the Spanish second tier but if you're in any way interested in that, quite frankly you deserve to be alone for the rest of eternity. Well, unless you're actually from Ponferrada or San Sebastián, of course, in which case you're stymied. Unlucky.

Next, let's look at gift options. Don't, under any circumstances, give anything related to physical appearance, especially not gym memberships or bathroom scales. Do give things related to pampering, though - these include Spa weekends (cross-check dates with the football calendar for maximum joy all round), box sets of Sex In The City and anything to do with chocolate.

Whatever you get in return is, remember, just what you wanted. A simple "Oh my god, I don't believe it!" as you open your present saves having to lie should the circumstance arise.

Now then, everybody knows that, in theory, it's a great idea to go out for a meal in the evening. In practice, however, this can prove to be something of a nightmare. Top tip: always leave your options open.

If you book something specific it will inevitably prove to be the wrong place/time /lampshade colour, so the best thing to do is drive around aimlessly for a while muttering something about it being "a surprise" until your partner makes a vaguely positive comment about somewhere you've just passed at which point you yell "What a coincidence! I just knew you'd want to come here!" before screeching to a halt and praying they have a table. If they don't, bribe the maitre d' - all's fair in love and restaurants.

As the evening draws to a close, try not to grimace too manically as you allow half your pudding to be eaten by a partner who swore blind she didn't want one only minutes before. Not grimacing manically is, after all, very romantic.

And that's it. Simple. Make the most most of it though, because next year the 14th falls on a Tuesday and, well, you know, it might be a Champions League night, in which case you're on your own.