Will Smith slaps Chris Rock during the Oscars. / REUTERS

Wild Oscars

Finding out what film Will Smith won his Oscar for has been virtually impossible

Peter Edgerton
PETER EDGERTON

Heavens above, what about the Oscars, then? This year, instead of lots of spoiled people engaging in the usual cringe-inducing mutual backslapping, one single spoiled person opted to engage in a bit of cringe-inducing face-slapping. Well, it makes a change, I suppose, and certainly gave everyone something to talk about because, let's face it, no-one is talking about any of the films involved.

I had to look up the best picture winner - it's called Coda, apparently - and, to be honest, found myself little the wiser having read the rather tiresome synopsis. Asking around friends and family didn't help much either - no-one had seen it. Meanwhile, back in real life, the biggest box office hits last year were Spider-Man: No way Home, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings and Venom: Let There Be Carnage which, at first glance, I thought might be a documentary about a Friday night out in Middlesbrough but is, in fact, about Spiderman and a serial killer. Or something. Anyway, you get the, er, picture - nobody's actually watching the pictures that are being awarded prizes.

I tried to find out which film Will Smith won his best actor Oscar for but if you put 'Will Smith Oscar' into Google you just get an endless stream of videos of him slapping an unfunny American comedian around the chops, all shown from different angles and in slow motion and with added soundtracks and, well, it's exhausting, so I gave up. Maybe he won his gong for a sequel to his hit comedy series and it's called The Stale Prince Of Bel Air or maybe he plays Spiderman in a prequel, who knows?

I also learned that somebody I've never heard of called Amy Something was both 'triggered' and 'traumatised' by the childish shenanigans on display at this year's ceremony which is quite some feat, I'm sure you'll agree. I always thought that if you were triggered by something it propelled you into immediate action usually involving a bit of shrieking and stomping of feet. On the other hand, it has always been my understanding that being traumatised is quite the opposite and compels you to stare into the middle distance for the rest of your days, all the time dribbling and humming a lullaby your mother used to sing. Well, apparently, our friend Amy is managing to do both of these things simultaneously which does deserve some kind of recognition, I suppose.

Oh, just give her an Oscar - nobody cares anyway.