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Summer folly days

THE MUSIC MAKER ·

I don't really like holidays, which doesn't make a man very popular

Friday, 4 March 2022, 12:23

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If things go according to plan, I might take a couple of weeks off work in August. To tell the truth, it's been a good while since I had a holiday for two fundamental reasons: a) circumstances haven't been very favourable and b) I don't really like holidays.

This is a problem. It means that whenever the conversation turns to lying on beaches or bobbing about on a cruise ship or glamping (posh camping, I believe), I either have to feign a vague vestige of interest or simply tell the truth, snorting derisively at the idea of doing nothing but looking for the next place to eat and taking selfies for a fortnight, which, as far as I can tell, is what most holidays are. This doesn't make a man very popular, though, so I normally just switch off, mutter a few platitudes at respectable intervals and hope for the best.

"Jemima and I are doing Vietnam again this year (anyone who talks about 'doing' countries is, of course, better avoided in the first place). The people there are so authentic."

"Authentically Vietnamese? That's nice." If you're lucky Toby and Jemima aren't listening to any of your replies by this point anyway.

"There's this great little spot we found where there are no other tourists at all, just these really, you know, authentic people eating rice and things."

"Sounds lovely. Is the rice authentic?" (It doesn't matter what you say, they definitely aren't listening by now).

"Oh, God, Jemima tell everyone about the time we did Egypt for twenty-two euros return and you sat on that authentic camel and tickled his ears for a selfie."

"That's not funny, Toby. My coccyx has never been the same since."

These conversations can go on for hours or maybe it's just for a few minutes that seem like hours, it's hard to tell. Pulling mobile phones out and showing pictures of unsuspecting people eating rice and of some poor camel's ears may also be involved.

In my experience, the best stock phrases to use while for pretending to look at other people's holiday photographs are "My God those ears look ticklish!", "How did you find a McDonald's in Hanoi?" and "Wow! That person/camel/burger/cheap plane ticket looks really authentic," in no particular order.

So, in order to avoid Toby and Jemima, I'll need to decide which type of holiday to go on. In fact, come to think of it, I vaguely recall facing the same problem last time I had some time off and ended up walking the Camino de Santiago on my own. Some might call it authentic.

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