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"Sorry, we have nothing in common! Too bad. Bye. < Sad Face >"
I don't know how common this kind of message is on social media and/or dating apps but it wouldn't be too surprising if they were ten-a-penny ... in spite of being a bit, you know, rude.
I came upon this particular one the other day, not, as one might imagine, scrolling through my TwitFace feed, but in real, actual, lived-in life. I was cleaning tables in the pub and found the message on a scrap of paper next to an empty cigarette packet and a half-eaten bag of sour cream and onion crisps. There were also two beers, only one of which had been finished. There was something achingly melancholic about the whole scene - not because someone on a (presumably) Tinder date had been elbowed by pen and paper while they were (also presumably) in the bathroom, but because one couldn't help but ponder the question, "Is that the best we can do?" I don't know how Tinder works but, if it's possible to send a message to the person you've just been on a date with, it would have been marvellous if the recipient of this note had scribbled a reply, taken a photo of it and pinged it back to the person concerned. The whole exchange might then have been rather different and a lot more satisfying for the neutral observer.
"Sorry, we have nothing in common! Too bad. Bye. < Sad Face >"
"No, not even basic good manners it would appear! Good. Bye. < Happy Face >"
Direct conversation - let alone uncomfortable or difficult conversation - is a skill that's being steadily tarnished by a tsunami of written messages and emojis plus those interminable monologues that people record for each other while holding their phones to their mouths like a piece of breakfast toast.
I receive a few messages each week on the Shakespeare's Facebook Messenger service enquiring about anything from the sports we'll be showing to whether there are any job vacancies. About half of these exchanges are, as you might expect, question; answer; acknowledgement of the answer. The other half, if the reply isn't the desired one, go something like this:
"Hi - will you be showing Hamilton Academicals against Blyth Spartans in the Anglo-Scottish Ready Brek cup second round second replay a week on Saturday at 9 o'clock?"
"Sorry, I'm afraid not. You might try (list of other pubs with billions of screens). Good luck. Best wishes."
...........(Deafening silence).........
OK, it's not the most heinous of crimes but a simple "Great, thank you." or some such wouldn't tax the old typing fingers too much I wouldn't have thought.
More worrying is when you call people on the phone directly out of the blue. They can often sound as if you're phoning in a ransom demand for their recently kidnapped daughter.
"H-h-hello?"
"Hi - it's Peter. We met at Dave's party. Are you still selling that guitar?"
"Wh-why didn't you message me?"
"Well, I thought this would be more personal and a bit quicker but, to tell the truth, I'm starting to have my doubts.."
Not to worry, at the risk of sounding like Sting, it's probably me and nobody else is in the least bit discombobulated by any of these developments, not anyone under the age of ninety-three and a half anyway. In fact, I'm sure with a little practice, it'll all become second nature.
Thnx 4 rdng evbdy < grateful face >.
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