Hotter than July

As the relentless summer heat bears down mercilessly on our poor, benighted bonces, I thought I might offer readers a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to surviving the unforgiving Andalusian summer. Here goes.

First, venture out of your house as little as is humanly possible. If you must set foot on the burning asphalt, do so when the wantonly malicious sun has finally taken his hat off and thus slightly increased your chances of not drowning in a puddle of your own sweat at the merest hint of any limb movement. This tactic means stocking up on the essentials (beer and crisps) and whimpering plaintively from the shelter of your own abode for the next six or seven weeks. In view of the fact that you won't have enough energy to do anything remotely productive during this time, your conscience can rest easy as you exist on a perma-loop of sleeping, siestas (no, they´re not the same thing) and watching rubbish series on Netflix.

Secondly, don't be distracted by any lost souls trying to tempt you to the beach on the premise that it's cooler down there. Any benefit of a miniscule change in temperature is immediately negated by the fact that the deceptive, whispering breeze prevents you from noticing that your skin is being scorched to a crisp in spite of the factor 346 sun cream you've applied. You're sleeping/siesta rotation system will consequently be severely disrupted by your inability to lie down on anything that isn't a mix of cotton wool and talcum powder.

Next, avoid air conditioning, even if you have it available. This may seem counter intuitive but that particular method of getting cooler comes at a heavy price i.e. your throat turns to sandpaper overnight and being able to start a Joe Cocker tribute band in your spare time doesn't really compensate in the long run. A better option is to wrap yourself in wet towels and lie by an electric fan. This way of doing things offers the added joy of making you feel like Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke after he's eaten all those boiled eggs. Now, that really is cool.

It's also very important to put your beer glasses in the freezer. This is doubly beneficial in that your drink, of course, tastes much colder, plus the visual image of the iced glass brimful of the thinking man's nectar gives you a psychological boost that, with any luck, will tide you over until September's cooling kiss comes to our rescue in a couple of months' time.

Still too hot? They say Scarborough's nice this time of year.