Please please me

In some ways it's a bit odd that the nearest translation of the English word 'please' into Spanish is 'por favor'. The former is an abbreviation of 'if you please', while the latter means 'as a favour' and, let's face it, they're not really the same thing at all. The loose relationship between the two does, however, explain the bemused looks on the faces of Spanish people as they're peppered with requests for favours from eager English speakers when they're first learning the new language, translating in their heads as they go and as best they can.

Needless to say, I was a prime mover in this regard. I recall one bracing incident about thirty years ago when a particularly perplexed waiter eventually snapped “It's not a favour, it's my job!” at me after I'd machine-gunned him to the limit of his patience with an incessant series of 'por favors' loosely related to the simple serving of coffee, milk and sugar. There might have been a biscuit in there too.

The truth is, it comes as a considerable relief once you realise you only ever need to use the expression very sparingly indeed, not least because it's devilishly difficult to pronounce anywhere near proficiently. Even now, all this time later, whenever I give 'por favor' an airing, I tend to sound like an octogenarian with a lisp suffocating in a barrel of marshmallows.

“Dos cervezas, pfwvwvrr.”

“¿Perdón?”

“Dos cervezas, pfffwwvwwor.”

At this point the beleaguered person concerned will make good their retreat, surreptitiously wiping copious amounts of spittle from their eye, in order to take refuge behind the pouring of a couple of beers. Meanwhile, I'll beat myself up internally for not having employed that most magnificent of Spanish expressions - “Cuando puedas” ('Whenever you can') - which is an indication of much better manners and is infinitely easier to pronounce properly.

Where 'por favor' is concerned, maybe it's those pesky letter Rs coming at the end of both words in quick succession, or maybe it's the explosive 'P' and 'F' sounds lurking in there like stealth bombs. Most probably it's all of those things combined, but whatever it is, it makes for a perfectly hellish pronunciation cocktail.

Crikey - I've just realised that this might all just be me and nobody else has ever had to suffer such indignities. If that is the case, I'd like to ask everyone to keep my linguistic struggles a secret, please.

Call it a favour.

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