August and everything after

It's quite ironic that the Oxford English Dictionary definition of the adjective 'august' is stated as 'impressive, majestic and dignified' when the month of the same name is precisely none of those things. Well, not in Andalucía anyway.

It's taken me decades to accept the fact that August is a ghost of a month - present but not really present - around these parts. The blistering heat means that nothing meaningful ever gets done, nobody ever has any energy and everywhere closes half an hour after it opens.

With this in mind, I've created a cut-out-and-keep survival guide for anyone who may be experiencing their first August living over here.

First, lower your expectations - if not quite to zero, then to somewhere close. If you have a to-do list for the day of, say, five things, be delighted if you get just one done. Actually, even half of one is pretty good going (I started writing this article yesterday but soon succumbed to the pull of Morpheus and a fitful siesta from which I never fully recovered).

Secondly, turn your empathy dial up to eleven. If people are doing proper jobs in August, they deserve the utmost respect. So, tip all waiting staff generously even if they're a bit grumpy, be gracious and grateful to everyone in any service industry and take the builder's wolf whistles in your stride; they're probably the only flake of joy that's keeping him from sticking his head unceremoniously in the cement mixer, never to return.

Third on the list is shadow hunting. If you must leave the house before 8pm, make sure you stick to every sliver of shade like a limpet. Sometimes you'll be faced with somebody cleaving to the same slender refuge coming in the opposite direction. Only ever give way if your adversary is outrageously disadvantaged beneath a merciless sun e.g. they're ginger.

Finally, be kind to yourself. Feeling like a useless lump of lard is the go-to experience for everyone round here in August. We all feel worthless and washed up - you're not alone. Take comfort in the fact that it will soon be September and your self-esteem will come flooding back as you return to your natural state of embracing swathes of Herculean tasks as if they were child's play.

To tell the truth, I'll be more than happy if I can muster a whole newspaper article in a day. Impressive, majestic and dignified, some might call it. But not many.

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