surinenglish

Peter Edgerton

Peter Edgerton has lived in Málaga since 1995. His many and varied jobs during his time here have included musician, radio presenter, writer and pub owner. He currently combines these experiences, providing entertainment at his pub The Shakespeare in Malaga city centre.

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recent published articles

23/08/2019 12:29

Opinion

Guilt edged opportunities

Bumpety bump, bumpety bump, bumpety bump. Wherever you go in the world, trains sound more or less the same. Well, except for Japan, probably, where they almost certainly make a swooshing noise before delivering you to your destination half an hour be

16/08/2019 12:59

Opinion

Practically impossible

Practical people never cease to amaze me. There they all go, with their logical minds, bustling about the place, fixing things. How on earth do they do it? Broken door frame? Hammer, hammer, measure, measure, bish bash bosh. All fixed. Faulty cistern

09/08/2019 16:00

Opinion

Fair poor convention

This year, the Malaga fair begins with the traditional midnight fireworks on Wednesday 14 August and goes on until about 2026. Well, ok, until Saturday 24 August but the psychological effect will be about the same for any locals living in the city ce

26/07/2019 17:09

Opinion

Bemusement arcade

One of the most hilarious facets of professional football is when a substitution is about to be made and the manager/trainer stands next to the player about to come on, leans right into him and gesticulates wildly and incomprehensibly while shouting

12/07/2019 15:00

Opinion

The weakest link

It's still sitting there somewhere, completely and utterly ignored. Copied and pasted onto a document I actually named myself but now can't recall the name of. If ever there was a symbol of modern-day media saturation, it must be this - the link I

05/07/2019 13:40

Opinion

Hatty Japes

As the sun hammers down without mercy upon our poor benighted bonces, the thoughts of balding ginger people turn inevitably to how they might protect themselves from the pitiless beast without losing too much dignity. It's mighty difficult. The fir

28/06/2019 15:54

Opinion

10,000 maniacs

If you want to become expert at something, ten thousand hours' practice will do the trick. Or so they say, anyway. This is one of those affirmations that somebody makes in a book or on TV one day and if they're wearing a white coat or glasses or both

31/05/2019 14:44

Opinion

All you need is dove

There he was then, our friend Hans, pinging his car merrily down a German street in the western town of Viersen, happy as a sand boy but unfortunately breaking the old geschwindkeitsbeschränkung (the fantastic German word for 'speed limit' that I lea

24/05/2019 17:49

Opinion

Capital gains

The travel guide Lonely Planet has named Madrid the second best place to visit in the whole of Europe, slotting it in just behind High Tatras in Slovakia (me neither, I think they're just showing off). Leaving aside the fact that they've obviously ne

17/05/2019 15:55

Opinion

The weird and the wonderful

'Merciless caterwauling' would probably be an apt description. We've had many excellent performances down at the Shakespeare on open mic nights but this certainly wasn't one of them. Robin (not his real name) had told me he used to be an actor in

10/05/2019 15:55

Opinion

Songs sung true

It won't have escaped many people's notice that Liverpool made a remarkable comeback against an over confident Barcelona in the Champions League semi-final this week. It's universally agreed that it was a stunning performance and wholly-deserved vict

03/05/2019 15:58

Opinion

Summer sails

At the time of writing there's a forty-million-dollar yacht called The Gene Machine moored up in Malaga's swanky, if rather generic, port. Apparently it belongs to a scientist chap who named it after one of his most important fields of work - machine

12/04/2019 16:42

Opinion

Everybody's talkin'

The Cultural Centre in Malaga used to put on regular free concerts in their small but rather charming theatre quite a few years ago. The trouble was that, especially if it was cold, groups of older people from the area used to attend just to be able

08/04/2019 13:04

Opinion

No Spain, no gain

The Bloomberg Health Index declared Spain the healthiest country in the whole wide world a few weeks back and it came as little surprise to those of us lucky enough to live here. The study takes into account a variety of factors such as life expect

29/03/2019 12:31

Opinion

Sense and sensor ability

Imagine you live in a posh house with movement-sensor-operated lights in the bathroom. You've been tootling along nicely for three or four years, swishing in and out for teeth cleaning purposes, etc. without ever needing to flick even the merest of s

22/03/2019 17:39

Opinion

Little enlarge

"Dad, have you seen my pen drive anywhere?" "No, son, but I could swear I saw your stapler catch the bus last week." Now then, that's a dad joke if ever there was one and as you can probably tell by how rubbish it is, I made it up myself. Unfortu

15/03/2019 12:43

Opinion

Fraud focus

Sadly, internet fraud is becoming ever more prevalent and, at the same time, ever more sophisticated. Only last year I very nearly clicked on a link in an extraordinarily clever email which used the correct name and contact details of someone who wor

08/03/2019 11:56

Opinion

Good buy my love

Frayed collar, worn out cuffs and a mysterious and rather ugly paint stain. It was no good, I really would have to buy a new jacket after having put it off for the last couple of years. But when exactly and, for that matter, how? I certainly wasn't

01/03/2019 14:25

Opinion

Every loser wins

The annual Oscar ceremony took place the other night and, inexplicably, millions of people watched agog from their sofas while they might have been more gainfully employed slow-boiling a tin of baked beans in the kitchen or something. As far as I

22/02/2019 15:45

Opinion

Facts machine

In the twenty-one years that I've been presenting pub quizzes in Malaga, I've picked up a few interesting facts. Only last night we learned that an adult male horse typically has forty teeth. Knowing this gem may not mean that you're suddenly invited

15/02/2019 14:21

Opinion

Oscar winner

It's such a rare pleasure to deal with professionals in any capacity. Unfortunately, of the scores of working people we've come across over the last three and a half years while running the pub, I'd say that only about ten per cent have managed a top

08/02/2019 16:54

Opinion

No alarms and no surprises

I bought a house alarm the other day, albeit completely unbeknownst to me. Apparently, the mere mention of such a possibility down at the bank was enough to guarantee the whipping out of just under two thousand euros from my account. I called immedia

01/02/2019 18:31

Opinion

Emergency surfeit

What's a medical emergency? Having your ears full of wax certainly isn't one by any stretch of the imagination and yet, I'm embarrassed to say, on more than one occasion I've turned up at a Spanish (and English, actually) A & E department to seek hel

25/01/2019 13:49

Opinion

Rude awakenings

And then I caught a glimpse of it. A hunched, gesticulating figure, looking somewhat desperate and needy and, I have to say, quite sad, actually. It was a seminal moment - I'd finally let happen something I swore I never would. The image I'd seen r

18/01/2019 16:34

Opinion

Radio waves

So, what about Brexit, then? Only kidding, we're not really going to take a look at that whole unholy mess - I just wanted to imagine the reaction of regular readers of this column and the look on both of their faces when they read the opening line.

11/01/2019 17:02

Opinion

Game for a laugh

FIFA 19, Red Dead Redemption 2 and Call Of Duty Black Ops 4 are all video games. Anyone with teenage children will already have known that as will lots of middle-aged blokes who should know better. Let's presume the FIFA one is about football; that l

04/01/2019 16:52

Opinion

Cars and effect

Anyone who happens to be wandering around a major town or city over the festive period surely can't help but be taken aback by the maelstrom of manic activity taking place at an extraordinarily breakneck speed. Cars hurtle and honk their way through

28/12/2018 12:44

Opinion

Year in, year out

Well, 2018 certainly pinged by like the clappers, didn't it? It doesn't seem a minute since I was proudly and steadfastly ignoring the January sales, which actually seemed to go on until sometime in April. So, what's in store for 2019? Here are a f

14/12/2018 15:20

Opinion

Poor sprung door technique

Having devoted his life to astonishing levels of skulduggery, King Sisyphus came to believe he was more clever than even Zeus, the greatest of all Greek gods. Sadly for him, he most certainly wasn't and his punishment for indulging in such hubris, wa

07/12/2018 13:26

Opinion

Slipper sliding away

It's possible that I may have had some about fifty years ago but I really can't be sure. Certainly, as an adult, I've never been able to countenance the idea. Maybe it's the memory of various uncles slumped in armchairs watching Saturday afternoon wr

01/12/2018 13:52

Opinion

A job lot

We're looking for a new barmaid down at The Shakespeare, an endeavour which is a lot more difficult than might first be imagined. In the first place, we don't get many CVs handed at the bar which, I like to think, is because we're located down a bi

23/11/2018 17:35

Opinion

Held to account

There was a power cut in the centre of Malaga on 13 September at about six in the evening. It only lasted about thirty seconds but, alas, its repercussions are still being felt down at The Shakespeare. The thing is, when the electric supply return

19/11/2018 17:01

Opinion

Picture perfect

The phone rang yesterday and to my delight it was one of those people who always calls with some piece of good news or other. "Hi Peter. I was just at a meeting for next year's film festival in Malaga and - although it's not a hundred per cent cert

09/11/2018 15:06

Opinion

Killing with kindness

There's no better way of clearing the old noggin than a brisk six-mile walk down to the sea from the village where I have a little house. The return journey is somewhat less brisk, more of a desperate melange of unseemly gasping and panting before th

02/11/2018 15:16

Opinion

Good evening

At the Oscar ceremony in the year 2000, Penélope Cruz famously shrieked 'Pedroooooo!' for what seemed like a fortnight, causing international eardrum damage as well as no little embarrassment to the Spanish nation, or at least to the members of it th

26/10/2018 16:36

Opinion

Mariah Scarey

Here comes Hallowe'en and in the spirit (see what I did there?) of the occasion, I thought a compilation of some of the scariest things that have ever happened to me wouldn't go amiss. The first time I can recall being really petrified was aged ab

26/10/2018 09:15

Opinion

The rain in Spain

At the time of writing, a rabid thunderstorm is raging over Malaga, shaking windows and rattling walls but the times they aren't particularly a-changing; this has happened every year since I've lived here, heralding the arrival of winter and, with an

15/10/2018 16:00

Opinion

Monumental effort

The Taj Mahal is something I feel I should know a lot about but, actually, don't. It would be easy, of course, just to look it up on Wikipedia but I think I'll simply write what I imagine I know and you can check the facts later yourselves to see how

05/10/2018 14:49

Opinion

The Seine old song

Demis Roussos came up in conversation down at The Shakespeare the other day so we put his biggest hit Forever And Ever on the jukebox (oh, alright, the computer) and I was immediately transported back to halcyon days of my childhood - Toast Toppers (

28/09/2018 15:22

Opinion

The price is right

Sometimes, when Roberto or one of his colleagues is rolling barrel after barrel of beer through the door of The Shakespeare on delivery day, I wonder what it's all about. It's an existential crisis of sorts, I suppose. There he goes, humping vast qua

21/09/2018 13:12

Opinion

If you tolerate this

The aroma of frying onions is one of the greatest pleasures known to man. Even if you've just feasted on a banquet fit for kings, the merest whiff of a sizzling onion will make your mouth water to such an extent that your cheeks will explode in the m

14/09/2018 17:07

Opinion

Me, you and Julio

Tashkent is the capital of Uzbekistan, a country that once formed part of the Soviet Union but has been independent since 1991. It has a population of approximately 33 million people and shares a border with five countries all ending in 'stan' and be

07/09/2018 16:39

Opinion

Fussy galore

It's a well known fact that fussy people should all be cast adrift on a distant island somewhere to indulge in their favourite hobby ad nauseum among like-minded fuss pots. "Look! Look, everybody! A ship! We're saved! We're saved!" "That's one of

31/08/2018 18:55

Opinion

Confidence tricks

Many moons ago, when I first started to perform original songs in folk and acoustic music clubs in the North West of England, the deal was that you went along to play a tune or two at these fine places in order to get some stage experience and to dev

24/08/2018 17:37

Opinion

Passion play

You can feel the joy as soon as you step through the door. It shines brightly from the shelves amid the organised chaos that is the workshop of my good friend Enrique, luthier extraordinaire. We've known each other for more than twenty years, Enriq

17/08/2018 18:51

Opinion

Net prophets

In the distant heady days of yore when people believed that there might actually exist something greater than themselves - like God, for example - they were generally fairly petrified of doing wrong lest they spend the whole of eternity wallowing in

03/08/2018 18:12

Opinion

Forward is forearmed

A man walking backwards bumped into me yesterday. I don't know why he was walking backwards - he wasn't taking a photo or looking at a pretty girl (if that's still allowed) or anything - but it's certainly what he was doing and at some considerable s

27/07/2018 14:29

Opinion

The fruit of our labours

There I was in the supermarket going about my mundane business and there he was, face contorted with concentration, arm outstretched , staring intently at the fruit he was holding as it hovered agonizingly close to the required position. He looked fo

20/07/2018 14:45

Opinion

Shades of summer

This is the time of year when I unintentionally offend vast swathes of people and I don't mean over-sensitive vegetarians or jazz fans or - heaven forbid - vegetarian jazz fans. No, the root of the specific problem I'm referring to here is, in fac

06/07/2018 15:56

Opinion

Jazz rules

Jazz music is a mightily broad church. From Ella Fitzgerald to Weather Report, the definition of what constitutes jazz seems like a pretty moveable feast to say the least. The first time I remember doing a cartoon double take at the radio was when so

29/06/2018 14:42

Opinion

Making notes

Playing the guitar to a reasonable standard isn't very difficult. It's like most things, a bit of dedication and self-discipline and it works out fine. Same goes for singing - as long as you haven't got an ear like a foot and are in possession of a l

22/06/2018 18:09

Opinion

Trend games

What have the following got in common? Beards, cupcakes, pet dogs, hamburgers, tattoos and gin? That's right, they're just a few of the many fads and fashions to have breezed into town (and, often, out again pretty sharpish) over the last few years.

15/06/2018 13:31

Opinion

Follow the money

Here we go, etc. - the World Cup's off to a flier, then. Not a ball had yet been kicked when Spain unceremoniously sacked their manager for announcing that he would be Real Madrid's new coach next season only days before his team's tasty tournament o

08/06/2018 11:41

Opinion

Say hello, wave goodbye

Crumbs, it's all been happening in Spanish politics this week. I'm sure that it won't have escaped your attention that Mariano Rajoy has been ousted from his position as prime minister of the country after the list of corruption cases associated with

04/06/2018 14:01

Opinion

The kids aren't alright

You've about as much chance of seeing a dodo waddling down your local high street as spotting a child with bloody knees these days. Such is our paranoia and zealous over-protection of the little tykes, that they've become like latter day porcelain do

18/05/2018 11:48

Opinion

Pocket science

Since starting up a business three years ago, the contents of my pockets has changed radically. Until 2015, those selfsame pockets contained just two or three keys plus a few bank notes and a smattering of coins. That was it. No mobile phone and cert

11/05/2018 15:44

Opinion

So annoying

Great news everybody - problems don't exist any more. Well, ok, technically they do but you might be forgiven for thinking they don't because you never hear the word itself these days. The reason for this is that problems are now called "challenges"

04/05/2018 15:19

Opinion

Don't offence me in

Modern Life Is Rubbish. The wildly overrated pop group Blur proffered this truism as an album title back in the mid nineties, so heaven knows what they'd need to come up with these days to encapsulate even half of the lunacy we're currently witness t

27/04/2018 15:12

Opinion

Ace of clubs

Many moons ago, while visiting San Francisco and feeling a little peckish, I made the fatal mistake of ordering a club sandwich from a downtown takeaway place, just to tide me over until tea time. The chap behind the counter, smiled knowingly at the

25/04/2018 19:48

Opinion

This alarming man

There are various categories which musicians fall into: the brilliant arrogant ones, the brilliant humble ones, the half-decent arrogant ones, the half-decent humble ones, the rubbish arrogant ones (usually found singing in bars unable to comprehend

13/04/2018 15:28

Opinion

Back home

Playing mini golf in the rain was as near as I could get to a UK seaside day out experience this time around. Actually, we played in a park in London but it still counts, I think. The raindrops creeping slowly down the back of my neck during the game

06/04/2018 14:27

Opinion

The clean, clean class of home

Going on holiday is one of life's greatest pleasures. Or at least it should be. The trouble is that by the time you've tied up all the loose ends before your departure you're almost too whacked to be bothered at all. The worst of all the chores to be

23/03/2018 15:55

Opinion

Under the bored walk

'Giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon/I hope my legs don't break, walking on the moon.' Thus went the none-too-inspirational opening lines of The Police's not-very-good 1979 song Walking On The Moon. Rumours that Leonard Cohen co-wrote

16/03/2018 14:01

Opinion

Choosing's my religion

It's exhausting. All that choice that's on offer for everything we ever do. Even the simplest of pleasures is converted into a labyrinth of decision-making by the sheer volume and variety of everything around us. If you want to spend the evening w

02/03/2018 17:20

Opinion

Reason to believe

The much-maligned Málaga Metro (how's that for alliteration?) is going to come in handy over the next few weeks. After a hiatus of many months, I'm finally going to start rehearsing some new songs with a view to recording them. The studio where we'll

23/02/2018 18:35

Opinion

Crazy paving

They're digging up the street outside the The Shakespeare. Right outside - inches away, in fact and it's a big operation. They'll be replacing pipes and drains and Lord knows what else before laying down some brand new and - we hope - really beautifu

16/02/2018 11:37

Opinion

Swift justice

Normally, I'd find myself being immediately repelled by anyone using their middle initial in their name, but I'll most certainly make an exception in the case of the magnificent Judge Michael W Fitzgerald. A couple of days ago, this fine chap deftly

09/02/2018 16:50

Opinion

First class delivery

I ordered something online a couple of weeks ago and it's just arrived today. I have to say the service has been impeccable from start to finish and I'm delighted to be able to give fulsome praise where it's due. Sadly, this is far from the norm.

02/02/2018 12:30

Opinion

Seeing stars

TripAdvisor is very useful if you own a business. I've lost count of the number of customers, especially tourists, who have visited The Shakespeare after having read our online reviews and we're very grateful for that. For those readers unaware of

26/01/2018 18:15

Opinion

Too cool for fuel

There was quite a kerfuffle when I was a lad when it was decreed, seemingly out of the blue, that hamburgers, which had always been called hamburgers, couldn't be called hamburgers any more because, well, they weren't made out of ham. People proteste

19/01/2018 14:17

Opinion

Heat, drink and be merry

It's bitterly cold as I write. Actually, after a few years of mild winters, these temperatures are reminiscent of those I recall prevailing at this time of year when I first arrived in Malaga in the nineteen nineties. Big scarves and woolly hats were

12/01/2018 11:59

Opinion

Guilt-edged hoards

You can feel it in the air. The kind of guilt-fuelled manic activity that only this time of year can bring. Lots of people doing lots of stuff, although not necessarily with much focus or staying power. By the middle of February most of us will have

05/01/2018 12:26

Opinion

Never-ending story

At the moment of writing, there are still a couple of days left of the Christmas period. By the time the three kings have paraded proudly through the streets, chucking vast quantities of sweets at - sorry, to - infinite crowds of children (some of wh

29/12/2017 19:05

Opinion

New Year's revolution

Two thousand and eighteen has a nice ring to it; let's hope it's a good sign and the new year brings us all joy and wonder in equal measure. As is the custom at this time, I thought I'd offer some predictions for the next twelve months. In the worl

22/12/2017 13:14

Opinion

Headstrong

Apiece of a bus fell on my head last week. I realise that that's probably not a sentence you expected to read when you got out of bed this morning but it is, nonetheless, entirely true. There we were, five passengers and a driver tootling merrily

15/12/2017 15:10

Opinion

Virtual insanity

Crypto kittens are selling for one hundred thousand dollars a pop, apparently. Crypto kittens - in case you didn't know - are virtual cartoon cats related in some way to Bitcoin, while Bitcoin itself is a virtual currency related in some way to total

11/12/2017 17:57

Opinion

Against all odds

It'll be my birthday on the 27th of this month. I'm loathe to mention it, really, principally because of the myriad problems it'll inevitably cause the poor receptionist at the SUR in English offices. Let's face it, nobody likes to be on the receivin

01/12/2017 12:43

Opinion

More waste, less speed

So much wasted time. These were, purportedly, the last words of 1970's singer and erstwhile heartthrob David Cassidy who died last week. I'm sure I wasn't the only one who thought "Blimey, that would be a pretty fitting epitaph for me too when my num

25/11/2017 13:16

Opinion

Local zero

There's a fun game you can play if you ever get bored in Malaga city centre these days - it's called 'Spot The Malagueño.' A gentle stroll along the main streets and thoroughfares of this wonderful town will bring you into contact with a veritable un

10/11/2017 15:45

Opinion

Judge dreadful

We try our very best not to judge others but, let's face it, we all do. It's human nature, I suppose, part of the evolutionary tool kit man has developed to ensure his survival over thousands of years. Sitting in a parked car in London with my bro

03/11/2017 14:59

Opinion

Park life

There's a public town square quite close to where the pub is located and I'll often pass through on my way to run some errand or other. With the best of intentions the council has installed a children's playground of sorts, although the lack of avail

20/10/2017 17:34

Opinion

So long, Hollywood

If you don't like watching films, social events can become a bit awkward sometimes, especially if the topic of conversation turns to what is generally considered to be a classic and it's simply understood that everyone present has seen it. Star Wars

13/10/2017 15:15

Opinion

Eternal blame

Children's ludicrous antics can be quite hilarious. For example, when they do something wrong but immediately look around for someone else to blame, pointing randomly in any direction except their own. The trouble is, it's quite funny when someone's

03/10/2017 19:09

Opinion

The lovers of invention

The name Antonio Ibáñez de Alba is one you may have read in the news over the last couple of weeks because he's the splendid inventor of what's become known as water that it's impossible to drown in. Just that phrase alone - "water that it's impossib

15/09/2017 15:27

Opinion

Face oddity

When things go wrong for people on big occasions, you inevitably feel sorry for them unless you've got a heart made of reinforced tungsten, in which case you'll snigger to yourself like Muttley in The Wacky Races. This empathy we experience applies t

11/09/2017 18:39

Opinion

Buy local

Although I was never a boy scout, I'll always have a soft spot for the organisation largely because of its being the proud owner of the best motto the world has ever seen: "Be Prepared." That's just magnificent, isn't it? Simple, universally applicab

01/09/2017 17:40

Opinion

Forever autumn

Wahaaay!! Here we go - the most wonderful time of the year is upon us once again. The month of September ushers in a marvellous period offering everything that's good about living in Malaga: cool breezes, darker evenings drawing in, the odd rainstorm

25/08/2017 17:44

Opinion

A whisper to the wise

Blimey, England's quiet isn't it? Having just got back to Malaga after a flying visit, I'm still readjusting to the hullaballoo that the city offers even in a supposedly tranquil period such as this just after the city fair. The contrast in decibel l

04/08/2017 18:53

Opinion

Set in stone

There's an old adage in show business that says that when it comes to making a set list of songs for a gig, you should open with tons of energy and close with a crowd pleaser. It's much more prosaic than that in its original form, but that's about th

21/07/2017 16:54

Opinion

The steal industry

Flicking through the pages of the Spanish press some days, you'd be forgiven for thinking that the entire country was filled to the brim with armies of corrupt buffoons cheating, swindling, and diddling their way through life, living high on the hog,

03/07/2017 16:18

Opinion

Wheelie wheelie worrying

The city of Malaga's exponential growth as a tourist destination continues unabated. The number of wheelie suitcases being trundled around town at any given moment is quite astonishing, although not nearly as astonishing as the minuscule size of some

19/06/2017 16:42

Opinion

Beer money

There's been much ado lately about an odd advertising campaign which was launched a couple of weeks ago by a leading Spanish beer company. Actually, it was pretty tame stuff but because so many people are constantly poised to be offended or outraged

09/06/2017 18:16

Opinion

Summertime blues

Here comes summer, then, crashing in as usual, like a local middle-aged drunk at the annual student party - totally expected but really annoying anyway. The temperate beauty and modesty of spring is simply barged out of the way by an unforgiving heat

02/06/2017 15:20

Opinion

Pinch of salt and Sgt Pepper

The story goes that, at the height of The Beatles' fame, when asked by a wide-eyed reporter if Ringo Starr was the best drummer in the world, John Lennon replied that he wasn't even the best drummer in The Beatles. Whether it was Lennon who actually

26/05/2017 13:15

Opinion

Don't speak

Being a pop star must be a discombobulating experience. One minute you're miming into a hair brush in front of your bedroom mirror and, next thing you know, you're miming into a microphone on national television. What comes next is the worrying bi

19/05/2017 19:43

Opinion

Water palaver

A few years back, the water was cut off for four days in the flat I was living in - a quite miserable experience, compounded by the fact that none of it was in any way my fault. Well, blow me down, if same thing didn't happen yesterday, but this time

12/05/2017 13:10

Opinion

Milking the cash cow

This year, St Patrick's day came and went, awash in pints of Irish stout and huge comedy hats, as is the custom. Laughably, though, the marketing boffins thought it would be a good idea to try to dupe the public into extending the whole shebang into

05/05/2017 13:19

Opinion

The marry marry month of May

Not long ago, I scribbled something on these hallowed pages about how, far from being a romantic gesture, asking your girlfriend to marry you in public, is actually a heavy-handed emotional manipulation. Well, guess what happened to me last night?

28/04/2017 13:34

Opinion

Flied breakfast

Man, they're annoying. Just when you think you've seen the last of them, they appear again from nowhere, imposing themselves on our lives with a pompous arrogance rarely seen outside the world of professional football. No, I'm not talking about polit

21/04/2017 12:14

Opinion

The geek shall inherit the Earth

They're at it again. Our hipster chums in Silicon Valley are predicting the future for us. Apparently, sooner than we think, smart phones will become obsolete and we'll all be sporting augmented reality headsets. Hang on a minute. Haven't we been h

11/04/2017 14:28

Opinion

Thought for your pennies

One of our regular customers down at the pub pays his bills at the end of each evening with his mobile phone. In a rather disconcerting digital coupling, phone and credit card machine screens are brought together for a fleetingly chaste kiss and Bing

31/03/2017 15:10

Opinion

Bossed in translation

Translating a technical manual is fairly straightforward but deadly boring. I worked on one once and nothing could persuade me to do it ever again - it felt like somebody was sucking all life force from my body with a rusty syringe. Very slowly. By

27/03/2017 15:21

Opinion

Emotional baggage

Many moons ago, I worked at a major airport in the UK. The job was a mundane but necessary one - making sure that baggage trolleys were correctly distributed throughout the complex at all times. This meant that vast teams of trolley blokes would w

17/03/2017 15:36

Opinion

The brothers of invention

"I've done you a Mickey Mouse." "Gnnnffgghiaggg." "Here, I'll draw it for you. See - big Mickey Mouse ears that lock into the previous filling. That should stop it breaking off and avoid having to put a crown in. Crown's are really expensive."

10/03/2017 19:31

Opinion

So traumatic for the people

In a desperate race to the bottom, we appear to be hell bent these days, on trying do outdo each other as to who among us has the most to complain about. It's a kind of Top Trumps for victims. "My father was a cold authoritarian figure, who only ev

03/03/2017 15:07

Opinion

The boy in the bubble

There can be no doubt that we live in a complex world. Well, that's what you'd think everyone would believe but, no, apparently not. It would seem from social media feeds and, in fact from just talking to people, that everything is much more black an

24/02/2017 19:33

Opinion

Food forethought

We eat too much. The media is riddled with self-proclaimed experts, wringing their hands, shaking their incredulous heads and talking earnestly about obesity as if it were inflicted upon us by some malevolent outside agency. I can't remember the exac

17/02/2017 17:58

Opinion

Law and disorder

It's not fashionable to be prejudiced these days, but I'm afraid I am. Against tidy people. Let's be honest, tidy people are a blight on our happiness, milling about as they do, sighing heavily and putting things in order for no discernible reason. T

16/02/2017 11:08

Opinion

A change would do you good

Davey plonks a couple pints down on the table. "Cheers, Mike! Hey, how did you get on on Saturday?" "Cheers, Davey! Oh my God - we lost on penalties. Couldn't believe it. Some of the players were actually crying and everything. It's all over YouTub

03/02/2017 16:00

Opinion

Momentary lapse of reason

For some reason, we keep getting exhorted to "live in the moment". Social media, daily newspapers and quite a few radio programmes appear to be filled with people telling us that this would be a wise and productive thing to do. Self-appointed gurus g

27/01/2017 15:01

Opinion

Men without hats

Chuck and TJ are lying back on a pair of hay bales, taking a break from working the land, somewhere deep in Nebraska. An unforgiving sun beats down on their craggy, lined faces but, that's alright, they're quite used to the weather; they've doing thi

20/01/2017 17:02

Opinion

The snowflake generation

It all came as a bit of a beautiful shock when snow fell on the Costa del Sol this week. Ok, I'm sure Captain Oates wouldn't have been too discombobulated at the intensity of the falling flakes but it it was quite a moment nonetheless. Snow is pe

18/01/2017 17:09

Opinion

New Year's revolution

January is renowned for being a melancholy month, as hordes of people try to come to terms with their post-Christmas blues and going back to work while at the same time sixth-sensing the unstoppable approach of a credit card bill of a size not dissim

17/01/2017 10:12

Opinion

Caballero

Yes, our colleague was at your address this morning, sir, to collect the apparatus, as arranged." "I'm sorry, he definitely wasn't. I know because I didn't leave the house. In fact, I changed my plans just to wait in for him." "It's written here

30/12/2016 10:04

Opinion

By George, he made it!

I never bought any George Michael records, although I did quite like Different Corner, Faith and his moving version of I Can't Make You Love Me. Wham!, like so many eighties pop groups, haunted my youth, blasting out from speakers in nightclubs and p