Market forces

Malaga's central market was always a joy to behold. Every week for the best part of 15 years, I'd pass by to pick up a couple of bags of fruit from Julián's humbly immaculate stall and to comment on the weather with his ageing mother. They'd chuckle at my rubbish Spanish pronunciation and I'd smile wanly and vow it would improve one day (it never did). Then it was on to Miguel, the butcher. He'd never fail to recommend outrageously exotic cuts of meat, explaining their provenance in passionate detail. I'd wait politely for him to finish, order a couple of pork chops and tootle off towards Pollos San Juan.

And then I stopped going to the market. Not suddenly, but just by visiting less and less frequently as the atmosphere began to change, until one day I found myself waving to Julián and his mum at a distance in the street and feeling a weird twinge of embarrassment because I hadn't been to their stall for months and somehow sensed I should have apologised or something.

Recently, following a heartfelt plea from exasperated stallholders, Malaga city council has put up signs in the market aimed at visitors. There are five instructions laid out pretty starkly which, truth be told, could have been reduced to a single phrase: 'Have some basic manners, please.'

Looking at them individually, we get an idea of what must have been happening in order to make them necessary in the first place.

The first says 'Don't interrupt the sales activity.' Presumably this means that, on occasion, the vendor would be handing over a bag of apples to one of the three Malagueños currently left in the city centre and things would take a turn for the worse.

“Gracias, Maria, that'll be three fifty please and do give my regards to your fam -”

“Oi! Amigo! Can we 'ave a selfie? Carol! Carol! Pull on 'is apron strings - it'll look way cool on Insta.”

The second instruction is 'Keep the aisles and entrances clear.' This will be because of the classic hands-clasped-behind-back/dawdle...dawdle...dawdle...stop! manoeuvre which involves tourists coming to a halt so abruptly that it causes a mini pedestrian pile-up just behind them. Works best if you wear a cagoule for some reason.

Number three says 'Keep it friendly with the vendors and shoppers.' Lord knows what's been going on here. Fifty-year-olds in bucket hats getting a bit bolshy would be my guess.

“Waddya mean you're working, Amigo? It's only a selfie! And you? What you looking at? Come on, leave 'im, Carol. He's not worth it.”

In at number four we have 'No touching the items on display.' The mind boggles.

“Do you reckon I can juggle four oranges and a grapefruit, love? Amigo doesn't mind, do you, Amigo? My uncle Terry could do six and a banana.”

And finally, number five - 'No photos or videos'. Well, good luck with that.

Mind you, I rather wish I'd kept a snap of Julián, his mum and me somewhere.

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