Apiece of a bus fell on my head last week. I realise that that's probably not a sentence you expected to read when you got out of bed this morning but it is, nonetheless, entirely true.
There we were, five passengers and a driver tootling merrily along a country road on the outskirts of Malaga when - crash,bang, wallop! - a ceiling panel came tumbling down and biffed me squarely on the bonce. Fortunately, it was made of some synthetic material or other (bad news for the environment, good news for my head) and was, consequently, fairly light, so damage was minimal.
What did prove to be a bit discombobulating on further investigation though, was the size of the four humungous screws protruding from each corner. It might be going slightly too far to say they were each the dimensions of The Eiffel Tower but they weren't far off, let me tell you.
The driver half-heartedly asked me if I was ok but clearly had more important things on his mind like what colour Cristiano Ronaldo's boots might be this weekend. An old woman fussed around a bit until she saw there was no blood and so went back to her soup of letters puzzle thing with, I could swear, an expression of mild disappointment on her seasoned features.
Meanwhile, I was left to contemplate the eternally fragile nature of our existence within an infinite and merciless universe, while chomping on a Twix which seemed to be a lot smaller than the ones I enjoyed as a child although it might just have been an optical illusion created by my bigger hands. “A couple of inches to the left and one of those screws would have given me a nasty old cut,” I thought, “and the driver may have got into trouble for not checking his vehicle more thoroughly and then I might have had to go to the hospital with a gaping head wound, or concussion, or blind in one eye...” Prudently, I pulled up there sharpish before I'd convinced myself that I was lucky not to have had my head amputated before tea time. A vivid imagination can be a heavy burden to bear.
Something good came of all of this however as I was able to begin today's column with the very best of sentences : “A piece of a bus fell on my head last week.” Perhaps they could use it for the opening line of a short story competition.
Oh, and talking of magnificent phrases, here's another - Merry Christmas, everyone.