Law and disorder

It's not fashionable to be prejudiced these days, but I'm afraid I am. Against tidy people. Let's be honest, tidy people are a blight on our happiness, milling about as they do, sighing heavily and putting things in order for no discernible reason. They must be stopped.

In order to eradicate the problem, I think we're going to have to address it at its root. The principal miscreants are parents who teach their children to put their toys away before bedtime; they're clearly damaging society with their misguided actions. Toys are supposed to be scattered across all floors at all times - especially Lego bricks - principally, so that everyone can laugh at dad when he treads on something painful and hops about grimacing because he's not allowed to swear in front of the children. These little comedy moments bring families together, pointing and giggling at the red-faced old duffer as he falls base over apex while trying unsuccessfully to rub his foot better, forgetting that he hasn't touched his toes since junior school.

Actually, when you think about it, you never meet interesting tidy people, a fact which can be corroborated by the following simple test. Next time someone's boring your socks off at a party, surreptitiously drop a small piece of paper on the floor and simply let it lie. After trying to restrain themselves for a minute or two - and, in the process, mercifully losing their train of thought - the inveterate tidy person won't be able to resist the compulsion to bend down and pick it up. This is your opportunity to leg it sharpish and endeavour to find a group of revellers surrounded by gigantic piles of empty beer cans and plastic plates which they're not even conscious of. That's where you'll find some fun.

No, I'm afraid to say that tidy people all need to be locked away, lumped together in gated communities on the outskirts of town somewhere in order that they might inflict their misery on each other for all eternity, or at least until they see the error of their ways. Meanwhile we, the righteous untidy, will be left to scatter our belongings wheresoever we may choose whenever we feel the urge and to bask in the glory of our wild abandon. I recognise, of course, that it's a harsh remedy but it's the only feasible option if we value our freedoms and innate desire for a healthy society.