Yes, our colleague was at your address this morning, sir, to collect the apparatus, as arranged.”

“I’m sorry, he definitely wasn’t. I know because I didn’t leave the house. In fact, I changed my plans just to wait in for him.”

“It’s written here - he was at your address this morning.”

“No he wasn’t. And let’s just say that even if he was, he didn’t bother to ring the (very loud) door bell.”

“I can’t tell you any more than that, I’m afraid. He was there. It’s written down here.”

(Deep sigh) “Honestly, he wasn’t. Er, anyway, my mobile number was on the delivery slip wasn’t it? Why didn’t he call that?”

“Caballero [this word means ‘Sir’ or ‘Gentleman’ in Spanish but is only ever used as a sort of indirect insult when someone knows they’re banged to rights but can’t admit it], our delivery men can’t call every customer who doesn’t answer the doorbell.”

“Why not?”

“CABALLERO!! I can’t help you. Goodbye.” (Hangs up).

It’s always very odd when you’re faced with a business which seems to do the very opposite of what it’s supposed to and you wonder how it has survived so long. If your job is to deliver parcels, I would have thought that calling the customer on arrival would be one of the basic practices necessary. Apparently not. If the customer doesn’t hear the bell (probably because the delivery man rang the wrong one), he then has to go to the company offices to rectify the situation which is basically defeating the object of a delivery company, I think.

It happens in telecommunications too. If you phone a mobile company but end up speaking to the wrong department, they very often can’t (won’t) transfer your call.

“But you’re one of the biggest communication companies in the world and you can’t communicate with your sister department. Why not? It’s absurd.”

“We’re simply not able to do that I’m afraid.”

“But please explain to me - why not?”

“CABALLEROOO!!” (Hangs up).

Delivery companies that don’t deliver, communication monoliths that don’t communicate, whatever next?

I know - a pub with no beer. I think we should do that down at The Shakespeare just to see what happens.

“Hello, I’ll have a pint, please.”

“Sorry sir - no beer today but we’ve got some really tasty fruit juices.”

“But I really want a pint of lager, please.”

“Sorry, sir. No lager. Camomile tea?”

“No - a pint. Please. It’s a pub for God’s sake.”

“Over-priced energy drink?”

“This is ridiculous, you fool - I’m leaving.”

“Wait, no, come back, sir... sir... CABALLEROOO!!”