Everyone has a favourite food and mine is Gala pie. I would risk prison for a slice of that beautiful pork pie with boiled eggs running through the middle of it but it's like gold dust abroad. Recently some friends of ours (Martin and Kim) were coming over to their apartment in Mijas Costa so as a treat, he said he would bring me a full Gala pie - wow - yum yum! He went to great lengths in order for me to prolong the enjoyment of this great treat. Kim went to see the manager at the deli counter of their local supermarket and explained the situation. She ordered a huge full pie, fully sealed, ingredients listed and with the longest 'best before' date possible - sorted! Just prior to their departure for the airport, my Gala pie was collected and off they go with the standard issue two suitcases and a pie resembling a breeze block as hand luggage. As they were going through the scanner one of the security type people asked Martin to open the bag containing my Gala pie and said, 'What's that?'

'Gala pie for my friend Stuart in Spain - he loves it and I'm dying to see his face when he sees the size of that thing.'

'You can't take it,' said the man with a huge grin on his face and slavering at the thought of his new found lunch.

'What do you mean I can't take it; I ordered it specially - it's sealed, it has an ingredients list and I even have the telephone number of the deli manager who you can call to confirm it's ok.'

'No - more than my job's worth is that. The pie stays here with me.'

Now Martin is a nice guy but when he loses it he's like a nuclear warhead that swears a lot. I obviously wasn't actually there at the time, but when he explained the proceedings to me, I was nearly wetting myself laughing -

'You want this for your own lunch don't you?...Do you really think I have an exploding Gala pie?'

'Just doing my job sir.'

Oh no - Martin's lost it now!

'Right, that's it you plank. Look at him; yes that bloke who's just walked straight past you. Is that a gun in his pocket or is he just over excited because he's going on holiday? What about her over there with the big stupid springy bouncy trainers on - they look as though they could explode to me.'

'Now now sir - it's only a pie.'

'Only a pie, only a ******* pie - it's a Gala pie and it's for my mate who loves them and you want it for yourself don't you - well watch this then.'

At this point Martin lost the plot completely. He lifted this gastronomic delight above his head and smashed it to the floor. He then proceeded to jump up and down on it until the wrapper fractured and the pie exploded all over Diligent Don’s lovely shiny floor. 'If my mate Stuart can't eat it, then as sure as hell you can't mate.'

Martin had to be restrained and after a serious amount of cooling down and apologizing they eventually let him board the plane.

Airport security - it can make you lose your temper!

Excerpt from the author’s new book “They’re all foreigners abroad”